Christmas Shoes

Adult Ralphie: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man: Naddafinga!
--A Christmas Story

I love Christmas music. I usually start listening to it in mid-October, ignoring all those stubborn people who insist that such things must wait until after Thanksgiving.

When I was younger, my favorite Christmas song was "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." We have this home movie of my dad singing it with me. It goes a little something like this:

Dad: He sees you when you're...
Me: Seeping.
Dad: He knows when you're...
Me: UP!
Dad: He knows if you've been...
Me: Bad-or-good.
Dad: Santa Claus is coming...
Me: ...TO TOWWWWWN!!!!

I was only two, and completely adorable.

Anyway, there is one Christmas song that is played year after year that makes me want to track down the artist, rip out my own ears and throw them at him. It's called "Christmas Shoes."

This has got to be the WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN. There are so many things wrong with it that I don't know where to begin explaining what's wrong with it. Even the title of the song is ridiculous. But I'm sure as hell going to try.

For one thing, it's a cliche starring a grumpy man who has been sucked into materialism and has forgotten the true meaning of Christmas. Oh, the unexpected horror. And the only thing in the world that can make him believe again is a little boy whose mother is dying.

And I realize that saying that so casually makes me sound like a bitch, but hear me out.

Why did he leave his mother's side if she's so ill? Why isn't he with his family? AND! This kid goes out on Christmas Eve to get his sick mother a present? What the eff took him so long? He's apparently old enough to be out and about on his own, so I don't want to hear any excuses. And he goes for a pair of shoes? Really? Shoes are not exactly a thoughtful gift, especially if he picks them out at the last minute amongst a hoard of other shoppers. And they're probably ugly if a nine-year-old kid picked them out, let's be honest.

Then we find out that not only did this kid forget to buy his own mother a gift, but he didn't even bring enough cash to purchase it. He turns to our hero of the song and is all "Wtf am I gonna do, Sir?"

And of course...

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Wow, what an incredibly generous man! He's so wonderful! He helped a child! What a beautiful gesture! His heart grew three sizes that day! Now he knows what Christmas is all about!

My GOD.