Bad Drivers

"What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary."
--George Bailey, It's a Wonderful Life

Today we'll be talking about bad drivers.

Every once in a while I'll be driving down the highway at a comfortable 68 mph when all of a sudden I'm blinded by brake lights. And after creeping and crawling for a quarter of an hour I find out that all of this traffic was caused by a fender bender. Not a car crash -- a fender bender. All lanes are open, cops are already on the scene, yet people feel the inexplicable need to slow to 15 mph in the middle of the highway to take a look. They might as well come to a complete stop, put it in park and bring out their binoculars like they're at some damn safari.

Do these people not understand that they're not the only people on the road? Keep it up and you'll have something much worse than a fender bender.

And while we're on the subject, why do people feel the need to drive 15 below the speed limit whenever they see a cop? They're zooming along at a healthy 70 mph, they see a cop, they SLAM on their brakes and start going 50 mph. Who do they think they're kidding?

One more jab, then I'm done. It seems like whenever I'm waiting for a parking spot or a pump at the gas station, people take their sweet ass time. It is, without a doubt, the smallest amount of power that can go to a person's head.

They see that I want the parking spot, and they decide that they need to touch up their lipstick before putting the car in reverse. Or clean their car. Or they need to make a quick phone call, which, in my imagination, always goes something like this:

"Hey, Joe. I'm just getting out of the mall, the crowds are crazy. Some chick behind me wants my spot. No, I'll move when I'm good and ready. It's really funny, actually, there's like a line of cars behind her. MWA-HA-HA!"

Bastards.

Anyway, Happy Holidays!